Making Friends

In an Anti-Social World

Decades of social media growth has divided and destroyed the fabric of close interactions that develops platonic love between two strangers. Lockdowns, masking and physical distancing for more than two years during a global pandemic has made people fearful and forgetful of how to foster relationships that are not only necessary for personal mental health but also for a cohesive society. Humanity needs to relearn how to cultivate friendships.

Image by Dim Hou from Pixabay

STEP 1

Identify the activities that you do regularly. Write down things you do each day for a week. At the end of the week assign a value to whatever you have done. Make notes regarding your feelings and goals for each of these endeavors. Review the list for both the most frequent items and determine the items  where change is desirable. The lists might look like the following:

Most often activities:

Meals: 21 times in 7 days, would like to eat better, seeking to add partial or intermittent fasting

Snacking: 10 times this week, most often coffee and pastry

Personal hygiene: daily

Walking: 4 times, up to four miles each time

Resistance Exercise: 2 times, would like to achieve 3-4 times weekly, perhaps join a gym

Watching TV: Dramas mostly, nearly daily, would like to replace with something healthier

Social Media including texting and phone calls: once or twice a day

Reading: Daily, mostly non-fiction and the Bible

Most Desired Goals for Activities:

Increase in exercise, reading, and a decrease in eating, snacking and watching TV.

STEP 2

Friendships start with common interests and are developed by cultivating that interest multiple times each week. Meeting regularly in person is the best way to foster a new friendship. As the COVID pandemic winds down, it should be easier to find people who are willing to meet in person again.

Following are suggestions for turning goals surrounding regular activities into the potential for new friends.

Walk at a consistent time and take a consistent route. If others are walking at the same time and in the same area, talk to them. If not, seek a walking group that fits into your schedule and join it.

Take resistance exercises to the gym. Establish a consistent time and days of the week. Notice who else is there at the same time. Say hello, ask for advice, even be so bold as to ask for a workout partner.

People may read in the library, or while waiting for public transportation. If you see someone who is reading a book you enjoyed, say hello. Talk about that book. Suggest that you read a book together and discuss it with each other.

Healthier diets have countless groups both in person and online. Join a group. Participate. Share your experiences and ask about the experiences of others.

If you can’t decrease the number of hours spent watching TV, then start or join a watch party for your favorite series or sports teams. Everyone loves to share their opinions and sharing impressions and knowledge is how you get to know each other.

STEP 3

Be intentional and consistent. Connect with a potential friend at least once per week. Several contacts per week is more desirable than one. It takes time to develop a friend. Five hours a week will develop a friendship more quickly than one hour per week.

Note whether or not your interest is reciprocated. Give a potential friend consistent effort for six months. If there has been no or minimal response, excuses about why they are unable to participate in agreed to activities, or if they have ghosted you, move on. Don’t waste your time pursuing people who don’t value you and who believe they are too superior or too busy to be a friend.

FRIENDSHIPS TAKE CONSISTENT EFFORT

Be patient with new people during that six month period when you are learning how they communicate with others. Some like phone calls, some want to meet in person, others feel texting or messages on social media are best. Take time to learn how to communicate with potential friends.

Be honest during the exploratory period. Don’t be afraid to say things like “I usually text people, but if you prefer a phone call let me know the best time to reach you.”

Set a weekly time to meet someone. Make clear statements such as:

“I will be at the gym at 6 am Monday, see you there.”

“I’ll bring my book/kindle with me to the coffee shop at 3 pm Wednesday, we can discuss the first chapter then.”

“I love to walk in that park. I will meet you in the parking lot by the guardhouse at 8 am Friday. If you aren’t there by 8:15, I will begin the walk without you.”

Unfortunately, three out of four people who have expressed an initial interest in meeting up with you will not follow through. Don’t get discouraged. Keep trying to make new friends.

If someone approaches you, be sure to give it a try even if you don’t see the potential upon the first impression. Sometimes, people who have little in common become best friends.

Know that friendships require more than a short text or email each week. New friends need an in-person or online meeting for a block of time weekly. There should also be casual interactions to foster new friends.

Group meetings such as church or an exercise class are a terrific place to start to find new friends. You’ll see these individuals at church or in class regularly which allows time for the short interactions. Then when you meet for an hour or more outside of that group setting, you’ll be able to find more areas of common interest.

A final suggestion for cultivating new friends in this anti-social world is to be honest and authentic in all of your interactions. Being authentic doesn’t mean being emotionally unstable or extreme each time you see someone. You can express joy or disappointment without shutting down the relationship or ending your interaction by offering to change your initial agreement. Is there a better time to meet, a more interesting book to discuss, an easier walk to take, etc.

Friends are worth the effort. Not only do good friends help bear the burden of life’s inevitable difficulties but they also affirm one’s personal joys and success. Seek out others with common interests and spend time getting to know them.